Broken Walls
by hurricane17
Summary: Johanna Mason has just been rescued. But she is struggling. Battling with PTSD, grief and fear, she shuts out the world around her. Prim Everdeen has agreed to take on nursing duties as part of her training. She has just been assigned to Johanna's ward and wants to help her. Johanna Mason doesn't want to be helped. Can Prim break Johanna's walls and find the girl she used to be?
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

'How are we doing today, Ms Mason?'

I shut my eyes so I don't have to look at my nurse's gormless smile. He's the most clueless idiot I've met in my life.

'Are we ready to have a shower yet?'

I snort.

' _We?_ Really? You want to jump in with me?'

I roll back over to gauge his reaction. He turns a delicate shade of pink, but disregards my comment.

'How is the pain today?'

' _Terrible,'_ I say emphatically. 'I think you need to up my morphling dose.'

He gives me a knowing smile that makes my insides crawl.

'Is that so? Where hurts?'

'Everywhere.'

He gives me a mock sympathetic look. I'm not fooled.

'Now Ms Mason, I'm afraid morphling can't help emotional pain, it only-'

'Get out.'

'But I-'

'Get out right now. I'm not going to ask you again,' I hiss through gritted teeth.

Luckily for him, he leaves. I squeeze my eyes shut and block out the world. How dare he? Ok, I know I'm the definition of messed up. But that doesn't give other people the right to say it. I'm not exactly helping myself by lying here drugged out with no intention of getting up. But hey, after everything that happened, don't I deserve a _bit_ of indulgence? Apparently not. Every half hour of misery and solitude is punctuated by the appearance of some idiot doctor or nurse trying to get me up, get me off my painkillers, get me to shower. Right. I'd like to see them be repeatedly dunked and electrocuted for months and then willingly step into water.

The dividing curtain of my room rustles. I don't bother to look up. It's going to be some nurse or quack. There's no one else who'd come to visit me. Finnick dropped by a few times when I first woke up, but he's got Annie to worry about now.

'Johanna?'

'What?' I snap. I look up. It's Mrs Everdeen. I don't mind her too much. She keeps her distance, not trying to offer false sentiments. I guess as one of her daughters is a victor she understands.

'Do you need anything?' she asks, changing my IV bag.

I give a bitter laugh.

'I need a whole heap of things, I'm sure, but none that I can think of.'

She smiles gently.

'Well let me know if you think of anything.'

'Wait, I've got it! Can you get rid of that horrible nurse who was in here before? He's a total douche.'

She checks her roster.

'I'm afraid we don't have anyone to spare, but I'll have a look.'

'Mum?' comes a voice from outside the curtain. Sounds like Katniss, but higher, younger. 'Are you in there? They need you in theatre.'

'Come in Prim, I'm almost done.'

The younger Everdeen sister slips around the curtain. Her bright blue eyes fix on me, and she smiles tentatively.

'What do they need?'

'Emergency appendectomy in Theatre 12.'

Mrs Everdeen suddenly stops, and looks at Primrose thoughtfully.

'Honey, your ward's just been taken over, hasn't it?

She nods.

'How would you feel about taking some shifts on this one? There's only about 6 patients at the moment.'

She looks a bit uncomfortable.

'By myself?'

'Do you think you could do it?'

She thinks for a bit, then nods.

'Great. I'll get Colin to show you how these new machines work later today.'

Colin, the creepy nurse. Hooray. But I'm glad it'll be the last time I see him.

* * *

'Now Ms Mason, I'm being transferred to another ward today, so I'm afraid this is goodbye!' Colin says with a cheesy grin.

'Shame,' I drawl sarcastically.

His smile becomes slightly fixed.

'Now, where's my replacement?'

He sticks his head outside the curtain.

'Primrose?' he calls in a pretentious voice.

A blonde head follows him back into the room. He gives her a patronising smile.

'Now, darling, I'm just here to show you the ropes, then you'll be _all by yourself!_ Won't that be exciting?'

The look on Prim's face is far from excited. Colin bustles around showing her how to set the blood pressure machines, and the IV machine and all the weird beeping devices I have no name for.

'Well, I think that's all, Primrose! Good luck!'

He pats Prim superciliously on the head. She looks absolutely revolted. I stifle a laugh. She pulls a face behind him when he goes. I lift an eyebrow.

'Now, _Primrose,_ that's not very professional behaviour, is it?'

She flushes.

'Just don't tell my mother,' she says, a bit embarrassed.

I laugh.

'Well now I've got something to blackmail you with,' I say slyly.

She blanches.

'But I probably won't, cos he's a f***tard.'

She goes from white to pink very quickly at my choice of language.

'Unless you take away my morphling,' I say severely. 'That's one thing we need to sort out if this is going to work. One, you don't take away my morphling. Two, you don't make me have showers unless I want to. Three, do not ever, ever, ever ask me how I'm feeling. Got it?'

'Ok,' she says quietly. 'But then you need to eat when I tell you to, get up and walk when I tell you to, and talk to the psychiatrists when they come. And you don't complain if I lessen your morphling dose a little bit every so often.'

I look at her calculatingly. To be honest, I wasn't expecting her to reply. I thought I'd intimidated her with my little speech, but honestly, how intimidating can I really be, lying in a hospital bed, with tubes in my arm in this pathetic looking hospital gown. And maybe this kid has more backbone than I gave her credit for.

'Fine. Whatever. Deal.'

There's a trace of a smile on her face.

'Thank you.'

She heads out of the room. At the last minute, she turns back.

'And if I'm not allowed to ask how you're feeling, then you'll have to tell me. Ok?'

'I think you should just assume that I'm feeling sh*tty all the time. Cos I am.'

There's sadness in those blue eyes. I roll my eyes and turn my back on her. No pity. That should have been my rule four.


	2. Chapter 2

'Do you want to get up for a bit?'

'No.'

'Well…you need to get up for a bit.'

'Piss off.'

'Johanna…'

I ignore Prim.

'Please?' she asks in a small voice.

I sigh loudly and pull the covers off my head. I look at her in irritation, then wish I hadn't because she's pleading me with her eyes. I turn my back on her. Because truth be told, she's pretty damn cute, and that look might just persuade me if I let it. And _no one_ can persuade Johanna Mason to do anything. Either I'll choose to do it, or I won't.

'Go away,' I snap.

She's quiet for a bit.

'Alright,' she says finally.

I don't watch her go.

* * *

'Oh geez, not this muck again!' I moan at dinner, eyeing the soggy turnip mash wobbling in front of me.

'Sorry,' Prim says apologetically. 'Standard patient rations.'

'Great,' I sigh, remembering my deal with her. 'I guess I have to eat it then.'

I shovel the goop into my mouth, and try not to gag.

'You ate it all,' says Prim after distributing food to the rest of the ward, sounding surprised.

'Yeah, well,' I say grumpily. 'A deal's a deal. So this means you can't try and force me into the shower, because I ate this crap.'

'Fair enough,' she says, checking my blood pressure. 'Is it breaking the deal to ask how bad your pain is?'

'Unfortunately not,' I snap, 'but I should have added it! It's bad, ok? What do you expect?'

'Ok,' she says, maddeningly patient, 'but how is it compared to yesterday? Is it worse or better?'

I glare at her. By staying calm, she's refusing to let me get angry. Which I kind of want to do.

'It's the same,' I say finally.

'Are you getting any side effects from the morphling? Are you nauseous or dizzy?'

'No,' I lie.

Truth is, I'm completely spaced out. But I'd rather that than be fully sentient and able to feel the sharp sting of the memories I'd rather not remember.

'Alright,' she says, sounding like she doesn't quite believe me. 'Do you want to go to the toilet before bed?'

I shrug, 'probably should.'

'Do you need help getting there?'

'What? Of course not!' I scoff.

Who does she think I am, some crippled invalid? I spring out of bed to prove my point. The world spins around me and I topple sideways. Prim rushes forwards and holds me steady until my vision clears.

'Here, I'll help you over,' she says, holding my shoulders to stabilise me.

After a few steps I'm feeling ok, so I shove her away roughly.

'I'm fine,' I snap.

I don't accept help from anyone. But my legs feel like dead wooden blocks. I have to drag myself there are back, and I'm sweaty and exhausted by the end.

When I come out, I avoid looking at Prim. I don't want to see hurt, or even worse pity, sympathy or sadness. But she makes no mention of what just happened.

'Are you ready for bed?' she asks.

'Fine. Whatever.'

She doesn't try to help me again as I climb painfully into bed, but stands close by just in case.

'I'm the first door on the left if you need me,' she says.

'I don't,' I tell her flatly.

'Ok,' she says quietly. 'Goodnight.'

I ignore her. I haven't had a 'good night' since before my first Games.

* * *

 _I can't move my feet. My little sister is standing 10 metres in front of me. I reach for her. She stares straight ahead, still as a statue. A horrible sense of foreboding comes over me. I strain at the invisible bonds holding me down._

' _Haley!' I shout._

 _She turns and looks at me, just as a Peacekeeper shoots a bullet through her brain. Her eyes hold mine as she falls, accusation burning holes through me._

' _No!' I scream. I fall down in despair and land in the 75_ _th_ _Hunger Games, the pink sky expanding around me. I look down and see myself surrounded in water. I cry out and try to jump away from it, but the shore recedes, disappearing into the horizon. I try and run towards it, but the land disappears altogether, leaving me alone in an endless expanse of water. My heart pounds, and screams rise in my throat. Suddenly hands grab at me, forcing me down under the water. I struggle and kick, but my head is pushed under the water. I curl in on myself in anticipation of the pain to come. I hear a sharp zap, and my body is suffused with pain. I can't breathe, I'm drowning-_

'Johanna wake up!'

I bolt upright like I've been electrocuted. Ha ha ha. I'm breathing hard, and my heart is beating so fast my chest hurts. Prim is crouched over me, her eyes wide and alarmed. I bury my head in my arms and blink away the tears that are starting to sting my eyes.

'Are you alright?' she asks in a hushed voice.

'Do I look alright?' I snap, looking at her furiously.

'Not quite,' she says gently. 'I just thought I'd see if you needed any help.'

'Help? What could _you_ possibly help me with?' I ask scathingly, intending to wound.

It doesn't seem to work.

'Katniss gets nightmares too. Sometimes it helps her if I stay with her. I could stay with you until you fall asleep if you'd like?'

Her eyes are earnest and thoughtful. The sweetness of her offer touches my heart in a place I've kept guarded for years. So of course it makes me fortify my walls even harder.

'I don't want or need your _help._ Just go back to bed and leave me alone.'

My voice catches at the end. I curse inwardly for the sign of weakness. I cover my face again.

'Ok. If you change your mind, I'm the first door on the left.'

She touches my shoulder gently. The gesture brings tears to my eyes. I slap her hand away, hard.

'Just f*ck off, alright?' I shout.

There. That did it. I see the shock and hurt in her eyes. She turns and leaves without another word, making me feel worse than I did after I first woke up. My sister's face flashes before my eyes. _I'm sorry Haley. I'm sorry I couldn't save you. It's my fault you died._ I push my head into my pillow to block out the sounds of my crying.


	3. Chapter 3

I'm relieved that Prim's not on shift the next morning, because I really don't want to face her. Instead, I get a grey-haired, bossy, no-nonsense woman from 13 who turns my morphling drip right down, despite my best protestations.

'Don't be ridiculous,' she says briskly. 'That dose was too much for you.'

So by the time Prim comes back on shift at dinner, I'm in a pretty feral mood. I've got awful tremors, and my pain has come back like a sledgehammer. She takes one look at me and frowns.

'They cut your morphling,' she says straight away.

All I can do is groan in pain. Prim sticks her head out and calls for the old nurse, who bustles in.

'You cut her morphling by 75%,' she says reproachfully.

'This is war, girl. We need to ration our morphling supplies for those who really need it.'

I open my mouth furiously, but all that comes out is a moan of agony.

'Johanna needs it!' Prim protests. 'She went through all that in the Capitol to support _your_ cause. She sacrificed herself for you, and you didn't have the decency to rescue her until it was convenient for you. I think the least she deserves is weaning off the morphling so she doesn't suffer from withdrawal.'

I'm surprised that Prim is sticking up for me after what happened last night. I'm even slightly touched. The irritable woman glares at Prim for a bit, then reluctantly turns up my morphling.

'Thanks,' I say grudgingly to Prim, once we're alone.

'No problem,' she says, slightly flushed. 'Also, I-'

She hesitates.

'Well spit it out,' I urge her.

'I- I just wanted to say sorry about last night. I'm sorry if I was being too pushy.'

She looks upset, but not, I realise, because I pushed her away. She's upset because she thinks she upset _me._ I can't be too mad at her, she's just a little kid who was trying to help.

'It's ok,' I say gruffly. 'Forget it.'

'Ok,' she says, and tries for a tentative smile.

I don't return it. She's cute, but not cute enough to turn me into a sappy grinning idiot. But there's enough guilt in the bottom of my heart over how I treated her last night that I eat the revolting mush she brings me without complaint and let her walk me to the toilet before bed. As humiliating as it is, I'm in so much pain I couldn't get there myself.

'Night,' she says, a bit hopefully.

I grunt in reply. Sorry, Prim. I don't do friends.

* * *

 _Running. I have to keep running. I'm in a maze, and I have to get out. I round a corner, and come face to face with President Snow. Blood drips from his mouth, staining his perfect white roses red. I turn on my heel and run away. I hear footsteps, and I know he's chasing me. Faster, faster. I come round a bend, and see Haley, her head half blown off. She staggers towards me grotesquely. I scream and run. Her footsteps join the chase. My heart is beating so hard my chest hurts. Another figure leaps out in front of me, making me jump. It's the girl I killed to win the Games. My axe is still in her throat. She grins at me. I sprint round a corner, only to find a dead end. My pursuers close in, closer and closer-_

I wake up, panting and sweating, sure I was screaming. I shudder as I remember the dream that pulled me violently from sleep. A small figure appears around the curtain, and I jump out of my skin. Prim.

'Jesus Christ!' I spit, clutching my chest.

'Sorry!' she says, alarmed.

She comes over to my bedside, and fixes me with those penetrating blue eyes. I avoid her searching gaze.

'Are you ok?' she asks quietly.

I snort.

'Define ok.'

'Well…are you ok to fall back asleep?'

'No, I'm not. Ok?' I snap.

'Ok.'

She sighs.

'I'm guessing you don't want me to help then?'

'No. You can go back to bed,' I say, trying to inject a note of confidence into my voice.

'Alright. Come find me if you change your mind, ok?'

Her hand lightly touches my arm. I don't have the heart to slap her away again. So I just wait until she leaves, thinking that I will never be able to take up her offer.

* * *

 **Author's note: Thank you so much for reading, I would really appreciate reviews and feedback**


	4. Chapter 4

I wake up the next morning to see Dr Aurelius pushing through the curtain.

'What?' I grumble, too exhausted to muster much aggression.

'It's time for your appointment, Johanna,' he says calmly.

'Hooray. The highlight of my day,' I say sarcastically.

He disregards this and sits down by my bed.

'Are you going to try to do this properly today, or should I come back tomorrow?' he asks patiently.

I open my mouth to make a caustic diatribe, but then remember that my deal with Prim involved talking to the psychiatrists. She's not exactly going to find out if I skip this appointment, but I'd feel guilty all the same. The thought brings me up short. After all the things I've done, _this_ is what I feel guilty about?

'Fine, whatever,' I say nonchalantly.

I see Dr Aurelius try to disguise his surprise. To be fair, I've rejected every offer so far.

'Now. How do you feel that you are recovering from your ordeal?'

'Which one?' I ask dryly.

'All of them.'

'I dunno, not that well.'

'And why is that?'

'Because…I'm pretty messed up.'

'What do you mean by that?'

'Well…I get nightmares every night,' I confess.

'I see. Do the nightmares ever trigger event flashbacks or panic attacks?'

'Sometimes,' I mumble.

'How often?'

'I dunno, maybe once a month.'

'Do you know why we get nightmares?'

'Yeah, because bad stuff has happened.'

'But do you know why that results in bad dreams?'

'No,' I admit reluctantly.

'When we suppress painful memories, the brain tries to make sense of them by itself, often combining all of your worst fears and memories into one scene. So can you think how to stop bad dreams?'

I shrug.

'Avoid painful situations?'

He smiles gently.

'How about not suppressing the memories? If you can consciously accept what has happened, then your brain doesn't need to on its own.'

He lets me absorb this for a while.

'What do you think about that?'

'Sounds horrible.'

'Why is that?'

'Do you think I want to drag up all those memories?' I shake my head. 'No, some things are best left alone.'

'Certainly with many traumatic memories, bringing them all to your primary consciousness is not a wise idea. But if done gradually, it would greatly aid your mental recovery.'

'Right, and where do I start? With being forced to kill children, or my family's murder? Or how about being tortured for a few months?'

'Johanna, I certainly understand that this is difficult for you, so I suggest that we start by looking at the dreams themselves. Do remember what you dreamt about last night?'

I shudder in response.

'I see. I won't ask you to relive the dream, but could you recount some of the major themes of it?'

'I was running in a maze.'

'And why were you running?'

'Because I was being chased.'

'By whom?'

'By people who were hurt because of me. And Snow.'

'Can I correctly deduce that you are plagued by debilitating feelings of guilt?'

I look away.

'None of your business,' I whisper.

'Alright, Johanna. I have one last question, then I'll leave you. Who were you running from in the dream? Apart from Snow, I mean.'

'A girl I killed to win the Games.'

He nods, and packs up his clipboard.

'And my sister,' I say after a while.

He pauses, and turns to look at me.

'I see,' he says, and leaves.

* * *

When Prim comes in on her afternoon shift, she smiles at me, and I automatically smile back. Then I catch myself and scowl at her.

'How did your session go?'

'Alright,' I shrug.

She seems to take this as meaning that it went well.

'That's good! How's your pain?'

'Horrendous,' I lie.

'Really?'

I scowl at her, thinking that she's sceptical. But she looks worried.

'The pain should be getting at least a bit better by now with that dose of morphling,' she frets.

She scribbles in her clipboard, and I feel a bit bad for lying.

 _A lie may take care of the present, but it has no future._ I feel a jolt as my mother's favourite proverb hits me hard. Oh well. It's not like I have much of a future either. I squash memories of my mother down with the rest of my past.

'Where hurts?' she asks.

'My head. My chest. My legs. And I feel sick.'

'Are you stiff from lying down?'

'Probably,' I yawn.

'Do you want to have a walk?'

'Alright,' I say finally. It might distract me from my memories.

'Ok. We can go round the ward a few times.'

She offers me her arm.

'Can't we just walk in here?'

'It's not very far around here. It'll be quick.'

She looks at me expectantly. I don't want to walk through the ward and have everyone see me so weak and vulnerable, but I can't say that to Prim.

'Can we do it later?' I ask, acting like I'm tired.

She looks at me shrewdly.

'We can just walk in here if you want,' she says, relenting.

'Fine, whatever.'

I heave myself upright irritably. I feel fuzzy-headed and dizzy, so I cling tightly to Prim's arm while my vision rights itself. My walking is stiff and awkward. I can't get my legs to work properly. I'm used to having full control over my body, and being self-assured that I am strong and lithe. I don't like this heaviness. As we approach the bed again, my knees buckle. Prim staggers under my weight, but manages to hold me up. She's surprisingly strong for her size. Or maybe I'm just skeletal and malnourished.

Tears of frustration leak from my eyes at this lack of control over my body. Prim manages to drag me back to my bed, panting with effort. I feel irrationally angry at everything.

'I can't even walk across a f*cking room,' I fume.

'You've only been back a week,' she says consolingly. 'It's pretty amazing that you can do even that.'

'Don't patronise me,' I spit at her. 'I know I'm a lost cause ok?'

'Don't say that,' she whispers, eyes wide. 'Don't give up on yourself.'

'I gave up a long time ago, kid. And so did everybody else. They wouldn't have bothered rescuing me from the f*cking Capitol if it hadn't been convenient. They needed Peeta for Katniss, and Annie for Finnick. No one needed me.'

I look away bitterly. A small hand touches my shoulder. I shrug it off.

'I know I probably don't count, and that you hate me, but I haven't given up on you.'

She thinks I hate her. The thought makes me sad. And her comment touches me. She turns to leave.

'Prim.'

She stops and looks at me questioningly.

'I don't hate you,' I blurt.

She gives me a tiny sweet smile, and then she's gone.


	5. Chapter 5

_The white spotlessness of my cell blinds me, the perfect, sterile lighting mocking how damaged I feel. The door slides open with a hydraulic hiss, and I feel my heart beating out of my chest. I know what this means. President Snow slithers in front of me, snake tongue flicking. 'Are you ready to talk, Johanna?'_

 _But I can't speak. I can't even move._

' _I see. Well, we both know what comes next.'_

 _I am roughly picked up and chucked into a tub of water. Hands push me down, denying me the ability to breathe. All of a sudden, my voice and movement return. I scream and thrash violently. I am released, and I gasp for air. Relief is short-lived. Electrodes are jammed onto my naked body, and a switch is hit. I scream in pain as electricity floods my body. Tears are forced from my eyes._

' _Tell us, or we'll do it again!'_

Suddenly, Snow's eyes are a bright piercing blue.

'No!' I scream. 'I won't tell you anything.'

'Johanna it's not real!' says a small insistent voice.

What? But pain zaps my body again, and I cry out in agony.

'I won't,' I choke, 'I won't. You can't make me.'

Those blue eyes fix onto mine. I know those eyes.

'It's ok. You're safe now.'

I know that voice. I cling desperately to those blue eyes with my own.

'Look at me. I'm here with you. It's not real.'

I cling to those words as if my life depends upon it. Slowly, the white-walled cell fades around me, and my room comes into focus. _I'm in District 13,_ I remind myself. I realise that I'm lying on the floor, shaking, and clinging very tightly to a pair of small hands. I look up. They belong to Prim. The blue eyes that kept me grounded to reality look worried. I can't breathe properly. My breath is coming in gasps, and I can't get enough oxygen. The room spins around me.

'Here, you should sit up.'

Prim gently detaches her hands from my grip, and helps me into a sitting position.

'Ok, now take slow, deep breaths. In…'

I try and do what she says.

'And out. That's it, now one more.'

Slowly, slowly, my breathing returns to normal.

'How do you feel?' she asks.

In response, I start sobbing hysterically, curling up in a ball on the floor. I feel a gentle hand touch my shoulder. Reflexively, I go to slap it away. But then Prim starts lightly rubbing my shoulder; just a simple gesture of comfort, and it feels so nice that I can't bring myself to. I can't bring myself to stop crying either. I haven't cried for years, not since my family died. So I indulge my pain and anger and fear and just cry.

After a few minutes, and when I show no sign of stopping, Prim slides up next to me and wraps an arm around my shoulders. She doesn't say anything, and I'm grateful for it. What's there to say? Prim lets me cry myself out on her shoulder. After a while, my sobs subside, and I'm left shivering on the floor, Prim's arm still resting around my back.

'Do you want to go back to bed?' she asks quietly.

Back to bed? Back to the world of sleep and shadows and nightmares? I shake my head profusely.

'You don't have to sleep,' she says gently, 'but you might be a bit more comfortable.'

I nod tremulously, and let her help me up, and over to my bed. Prim pulls back the sheets so I can climb in, then carefully pulls the blankets up around me. The kindness of this gesture brings fresh tears to my eyes.

'Why are you doing this?' I whisper, as she smooths my blankets.

She looks slightly confused.

'Why shouldn't I?'

'Because I've been awful to you. I don't deserve it.'

'You do deserve it,' she says, earnestly. 'Everyone deserves help when they need it.'

'Not me,' I whisper. 'Not after what I've done.'

Prim perches on the edge of my bed, and takes my trembling hands in hers.

'Yes you do,' she says softly.

She just sits there with me, allowing me to take comfort from another presence.

'How do you feel?' she asks after a while.

'How do you think I feel?' I snap at her, aggressively.

She visibly flinches, obviously taken by surprise.

'Sorry,' she whispers, eyes wide with shock.

How do I feel? Looking at Prim, I feel like a bitch. She's just been so lovely to me, and I've thrown it back in her face. Again. I sigh.

'No, I'm sorry,' I mutter.

'No, it's ok. It was a stupid question. Do you want anything though?'

'Sure. I want a massive hit of morphling so I can go to sleep.'

'Do you want a sleeping pill?'

'No. They just make it harder to get out of the nightmares.'

She thinks for a bit.

'What has the psychiatrist said about the dreams?'

'Some shit about "time and acceptance" or whatever. Nothing helpful.'

I can see her thinking hard.

'Hey, just forget it, ok?' I say in a hard voice. 'I've been having these for years, I can handle it.'

I don't think I'm very convincing, holding her hand and shaking like a f*cking leaf.

'Alright,' she says. 'Do- do you want me to go so you can sleep?'

I can see her struggle to pose the question casually. Do I want her to go? The simple answer is no. But I want to tell her yes. Fear wars with pride in my mind. Fear wins, and I shake my head, hating myself.

'You don't want to sleep?' she asks, confused.

I glare at her for making me say it out loud.

'No, brainless, I don't want you to leave,' I snap.

I see her face light up slightly.

'Really?' she asks cautiously, not wanting to get knocked down again.

'Well I said it, didn't I?' I mutter irritably.

Truth is, I'm glad of her company. And seeing that little smile almost makes shelving my pride worth it. Prim kicks off her slippers and tentatively puts her legs up on the bed, still sitting awkwardly on the edge. I lie down, finding that the flashback has left me completely drained. My eyelids flutter shut, and I force them open again, to find Prim watching me.

'Go to sleep,' she whispers.

A gentle hand strokes my bare scalp.

I close my eyes.


	6. Chapter 6

Prim is still there when I wake up. She's still there, perched uncomfortably on the edge of my bed, eyes fluttering against the pull of sleep. She looks over as I move.

'Feeling ok?' she asks.

I shrug noncommittally, embarrassed about the events of last night. I'm grateful that she doesn't press.

'You been awake all this time?' I ask incredulously.

'Yeah. I-'

She's cut off by the sound of a nurse bustling around. I grab her arm urgently.

'Prim, please don't tell them about last night.'

She looks uncertain, but nods.

'Alright. But you've _got_ to do your psychology properly, ok?'

'Fine!' I snap, desperate.

The grumpy-looking nurse charges in.

'Where _have_ you _been?'_ she shouts at Prim. 'Didn't I tell you that Room 403 needs blood pressure taken every two hours?'

Prim jumps up, looking apologetic.

'I'm so sorry, I just…'

The nurse steamrolls over her.

'This is disgraceful conduct! You have endangered the health and wellbeing of every single patient on this ward! I expected better from you. What can possibly have been so serious that it kept you from your work?'

'I- well, I… I'm sorry,' she stammers, not wanting to dob me in.

'I will be informing your mother of this. What if someone had a heart attack? What if someone had called for help? Dereliction of duty!'

Poor Prim looks close to tears. It's absurd; this fully grown woman tearing shreds off a 13-year-old, who shouldn't even be doing this job anyway. She goes on and on, until I have to cut in.

'Hey, lady,' I interrupt. 'Give her a break, would you?'

'Stay out of it!' she yells right back. 'She has behaved disgracefully. There is no justification for it!'

'She was helping me!' I say loudly. 'I had a flashback, ok? She was staying with me.'

The nurse rounds on Prim.

'Why didn't you ask for help? Why didn't you notify someone?'

'I- I didn't want to leave Johanna,' she admits.

I feel a warmth in the pit of my stomach. How sweet.

'If it was that serious, you should have called for back up.'

'I'm sorry,' says Prim, blinking back tears

'Ok, I think you've made your point,' I snap at the nurse, who glowers at me and leaves with a contemptuous sniff.

'That was my fault. I'm sorry,' I say.

She shakes her head.

'No. I should have done a round while you were sleeping.'

'Why didn't you?'

'I- well it sounds stupid, but… I wanted to be there when you woke up.'

'How come?' I ask softly.

'Because…I didn't want you to think that I'd left you, and that…'

She trails off, embarrassed.

'It's silly, I know. I- I'd better go and do a ward round now.'

'It wasn't silly.'

She stops and looks around.

'It was sweet of you.'

That's as close as I'm going to get to a thank you.

'I'm sorry you had to tell them,' she says quietly.

I wave this off.

'Forget it. They think I'm nuts already.'

'I don't think you're nuts.'

'Yeah well…that's just you.'

Prim gets ready to go, but I stop her again.

'Hey, are you alright now?'

Poor thing took a fair verbal beating, and she's a sensitive kid.

'Yeah. Thanks.'

'Don't listen to her. She was just being an arse, ok?'

She manages to smile at me as she goes. I'm left alone, feeling very strange. I like Prim. I do. But I do _not_ like the idea of 'friends' or 'trust' or any of that stuff. Because if I'm alone, I'm stronger. No one to worry about, no one who can be used against me. No one who can be hurt because of me. I don't want to see Prim hurt. But by pushing her away, I will be hurting her.

I groan and rub my aching head. Why is everything so hard?

* * *

A/N: Sorry it's short, and it has been a looooong time! But I haven't abandoned it, I promise, things have just been so hectic this year! Thanks for reading, reviews welcome!


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